In this month’s issue of Northern Connection magazine, I started the conversation by wondering how on Earth, parents manage in this day and age when there are dangers around every corner – even via the computer, SMART Phone, “Live” gaming on a child’s game console – everywhere! How do you do it? How do you know who to trust?
On the computers and devices, you can set parental controls
and install software such as Net Nanny http://www.netnanny.com/,
but even those require diligent surveillance. A friend of my husband recently
had to punish his middle-schooler by taking away all his electronics because
his son re-configured his computer to get around all the precautions. (The
friend confessed that it was tough, because on the inside, he was actually
proud and impressed that his son was that tech-savvy).
And then, as I mentioned in the article, how do you know
when to step back? So many college students have a very difficult freshman year
because of a lack of self-reliance. What do you think? Any recommendations, suggestions, additional concerns or frustrations that you would like to share? As always, I am eager to hear from you!
As a father of 2 and a grandfather of 2 (so far), the first piece of advice I’d give is that parents need to separate the feelings of love they have for their child from the parental duties of getting this little person ready for life. Too often these days I see parents desperately trying to be their child’s friend, protecting them from any and all of life’s adversity, often injecting themselves directly in the resolution of every problem the child encounters, instead of seeing situations as a potential learning opportunity and allowing the child to resolve it on their own. Often the child won’t choose the best resolution and often they will make mistakes, but that is how you learn. I’ve learned far more from every mistake I’ve ever made or contest loss I’ve experienced than any victory or success. It can be scary to let go a little, but the result for the child will likely be better in the long run.
ReplyDeleteWow thank you so much for the post! This is some great advice!
DeleteHi flpappap,
DeleteYour advice is getting a tremendous response via email - one reader who wishes to remain anonymous thinks your advice is great but wants to know how do you put up with the peer pressure of the other parents who will label you "mean"?
In my experience, people who are subject to peer pressure are less than confident in what they are doing or are looking for acceptance from the group, and are willing to compromise a relatively low level value to maintain that acceptance. What I mean by low level value is that you would be unwillingly to murder to win group acceptance, but might be willing to smoke a cigarette. In this case, what higher level value could be placed on something than the one on how your child will be prepared by you to tackle the vicissitudes of life? Is it mean to consciously allow your child to learn some of life’s lessons with a little hands-on-experience? I think not. Most folks who exert the pressure on someone else also lack confidence in what they are doing and can only gain it by getting others to do it as well (see the smoking example above). In my parenting years I would occasionally encounter peer pressure to do something counter to what I was doing, even though I was quite confident in my approach. I would just look at the other person, smile (always smile, it is disarming), and say “I’m teaching him to handle that on his own and he is doing rather nicely, don’t you think?”
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